Epic Failure

Pulp Fiction (film)

Image via Wikipedia

Driving home yesterday and traffic. Yes, so here I am blathering again. The afternoon radio show was talking about *dating failures* and taking call ins.

Led me to thinking about past nightmares and while I’m certainly not going to call into a radio show and tell them, I guess I obviously intend to here, right?

Actually….. come to think of it? I *did* call in to a radio show once with this story.  AND I got on the air to tell the story.

So…I was about..21.  I don’t remember how I met this guy. Totally Mr. Average. But I do remember we saw “Pulp Fiction” for my first time. There was that, at least. That’s all I truly remember about the date.

He called a few days later. I remember being unenthusiastic about a second date with him. But I agreed, so it must not have been too terrible.

A couple of days later he called me back and told me that he had decided that it was unfair that he should have to drive from Lawrence (KU) *just* to see me. I’m still “…” about that comment when he’s all like “you need to drive out here to see me this time. Fair is fair”  Now…ordinarily, that would have got to me cuz he’s right, that *is* fair. However, this time, ..yeah, fuck that guy. (I keep remembering details as I type) His name was Matthew, too and HE HAD A BEARD.

So I tell him “yeah, no. I’m not doing that. It’s like 50 miles, firstly. Secondly, my car is unreliable and finally, I don’t feel like driving 50 miles *just* to see you.” I remember the silence on the other end on the phone. I remember the smirk crossing my face …and then I remember it abruptly going away when he ruined it with the rejoinder that shall never be topped. Ever.

“Well what am I going to do with all these condoms?”

…15 years later and I still do not know what to say to that. In the moment, I literally pulled the phone receiver from my ear and just..stared at it. It was “all these.”  I am sure I could have dealt smoothly with anything else. But it was like “what exactly did you have planned, here, Sparky?” I could picture like …a case.

As I finally share this story, NOW I can think of things to say in reply. FINALLY!

The thing is, I feel like the true “epic failure” belonged to yours truly.  Yes, he was a dildo and totally unsmooth “with the ladies.” But for a split second, I lost my ability to retort. And that’s not a shortcoming that is easy to own. I actually had to just set the receiver down in the cradle quietly because I was so without *anything* to say.  I don’t like that feeling. 

Thank you for being my confessor.  😛




~ by Layla on September 1, 2010.

3 Responses to “Epic Failure”

  1. Awesome! more dating stories!

  2. *like*

  3. He should have made a fake woman out of condoms.

    Or maybe some kind of condom-suit for himself. Then he could have climbed inside.

    I think really though, he’d planned to make *you* wear the condom-suit. That’s why he had 28900 condoms.

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