50 Shades of Clowntastic

I was talking about books yesterday with my work friend. She told me I *had* to read “Fifty Shades of Grey.”   I didn’t believe that I did.  HOWEVER,  I agreed to do so cuz she told me it would strike a bit of chord with me.   I do get what she means.

But I can not finish it. I can not.  This is the worst book I have ever read in my entire life.

1.) The grammar is appalling.

2.) The punctuation just makes me sad.

3.) Drinking in the cool evening air in the parking lot makes me realize how drunk I am.     That’s set up as a paragraph.  That’s not a paragraph; that’s one sentence.  And a very bad one, at that.  You can’t metaphorically do something in the same sentence you’re literally doing that same thing and expect your readers to not get confused.  I had to read it twice to realize that she hadn’t taken her drink outside and was sipping it there instead.

4.) Couldn’t she have just fucking said  “I didn’t know how drunk I was until I got outside.” ?

5.) It’s so repetitive.  She bit her lip, she gasped, she talked about his grey eyes, and she said “oh crap”  about 11 bajillion times each and I only got to about the halfway point.

5.) It’s so repetitive.  She bit her lip, she gasped, she talked about his grey eyes, and she said “oh crap”  about 11 bajillion times each and I only got to about the halfway point.  (lol)

6.) The story was non-existent. NOTHING happens: she gasps. she bites her lip.  Etc.

7.) We’re supposed to believe that she’s a healthy “normal” 21-22 year old graduating from college, yet has never really dated, kissed a boy, even masturbated.   YET

8.) She meets a *BILLIONAIRE* – who is handsome, suave, wildly successful, self-made, and he suddenly can’t function without her presence in his life.

9.) ABOUT THAT- He’s “26 or 27”  but he’s a self-made billionaire. a captain of industry, a helicopter pilot.  He’s so fantastic looking that people can’t even catch their breath around him.. Oh, and he spends millions to save the world.  He is clearly every fifteen year old’s Ultimate Fantasy.   He reads like that, too..  2 high school girls dreaming about their Perfect Man.

10.) More on Christian:  He’s also a “Dominant.” Let’s see,we’ll go 27.. he was a submissive for 6 years to “Mrs. Robinson” and she seduced him when he was 15.  SO they broke up when he was ….21?  Now in the last six years… we are told  35 times about his FIFTEEN OTHER submissives.  Yeah, clearly his business acumen is stronger than his sexual dominance since he couldn’t hang onto these bitches.  That’s an average of a new submissive every 4.8 months.

11.) She whines she doesn’t like something and he’s just “Oh. Ok, yeah, no, we don’t have to do that, baby.”  Yeah, I was wet at his commanding presence, for real.

12.) Self Made Billionaire?  Really? When the fuck did this son of a bitch work? If he wasn’t tracing her cell phones signals to stalk her or out buying her expensive gifts, he was emailing her.

13.) Dialogue is really hard to write and not sound stilted and false.  I get that. But this dialogue is just horrid. WHO WOULD SAY THIS SHIT?

14.) It was no secret this was written by some Brit, based on fanfic of Twilight.  I am not going to comment on the latter; I consider myself lucky that I never went there.  However, since it was set in the US, and both of the main characters are American, the sheer number of British phrases and idioms are just …well one of the few humorous aspects of the book.

15.) She is just boring.  She does not do anything really except orgasm on command (pft) , bite her lip, and whine about how she doesn’t think she can do this kind of relationship.

16.) Oh and she blushes.  ENTIRE Kindle pages were dedicated to the author droning on about her spectacular blushes.

17.) And I thought *she* was boring until her “inner goddess” showed up.  Like a spoiled 3-year-old.  What the fuck was she even TALKING about?

18.) The sex was.. not good at all.  I was not turned on. Hell, I wasn’t even interested.  Her “shattering” orgasms were actually tedious and his “powerful thrusts” made my mind wander to things like how would my cranberry jello mold turn out and did I feel like making pancakes at some point this weekend.

19.)  “Down there.”   Seriously? An erotic novel and the best the heroine could come up with to describe her vagina was “down there.”   Ninja, Please.

20.) We’re supposed to believe that her aforementioned college degree is English Literature. That’s interesting as hell, considering the fact that she expresses herself like she’s about nine.

21.) We’re also supposed to believe that she is I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR cuz she would *not* give in on the things  that were super important to her.  Cuz the virgin was ok with being beaten with canes and floggers, but by god, she will NOT let him tell her she has to sleep seven hours a day when she wants six.

22.) I think we were all supposed to be titillated at the BDSM aspect.  Yeah, not so much here.  Again, I’m  just not super impressed with the mad dominant skillz of a dude over some socially retarded 22-year-old virgin.

23.) Another moment that made me laugh pretty hard. He stated that he believed she was a “natural born submissive” because of her behavior at their initial meeting.  I can see how common courtesy and a lack of basic motor skills could make a “DOMINANT”  mistakenly believe he’d found a TRUE SUBMISSIVE and be like “A MOTH TO A FLAME” (did she say that …12 times? or 20?)

24.) He’s deeply anti drug and all about her basic health and all, but nearly every time they are together, he’s pouring wine into her gullet.

25.) I found it very amusing that he was looking for someone to very willingly submit to him- YET- he was also not sure about her basic competency to feed and clothe herself without his assistance.  That person needs like a guardian, not a sexual dominant.

I could go fifty bullet points if I wanted to, but I suddenly no longer do.  I quit reading just shy of halfway; it’s only right that I quit listing reasons I hated this retarded ass book right about halfway, too.




~ by Layla on November 22, 2012.

2 Responses to “50 Shades of Clowntastic”

  1. I thought this was hilarious and I agree with most of it. I think people definitely over hype this book.

  2. Have I told yew lately how much that I love yew? Just in case: I really, really love yew. <333

    I haven't read this book. The few preview pages that I skimmed and actual thoughtful reviews that I read clued me in very fast.

    I imagine I'd feel about this book kinda how I feel whenever I read/hear attention starved hookers dribble on about "The Story of O" and how O is teh shiz. Because every worthy bitch aspires to be homely, socially awkward and in love with a gay man.

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