Mom’s Vocabulary Lessons

So since it is an hour away from Mother’s Day here and I have already went and made a big fuss over my mom today,  I am going to talk about something else that involves my mother.

See, Mom loves to learn.  Most anything. But I swear nothing makes her happier than to learn some inappropriate or “dirty” phrase. I think it makes her feel cool and hip.   Which is great, I guess, for her.  I’d be more enthused if it weren’t so often making incredibly awkward moments for me.

It almost always follows the same pattern:  She spends time with one of my brothers. He says something largely inappropriate that leaves me reeling that he would say this in front of  our mom (any mom really, but HE KNOWS HER).  She then counts the minutes until she next sees me so she can work that phrase into the conversation, (in her mind) subtly.  And then its “double dipped in awkward”  for me when she does this.

They aren’t always “dirty” , per se.  Sometimes they are just “….what?” moments.  Occasionally, I wasn’t previously familiar with the term when she introduces it to my world.   One of those that come to mind immediately was “muffin top.”

That one, there was no slickness at all.  We were out having lunch somewhere.  And yes, it was bitchy, but I don’t care. A girl rolled past with a couple of other people and based on what this girl was wearing,  I simply murmured  “Oh dear.”   Mom immediately starts giggling like a 12-year-old.  I really hadn’t thought my little comment was really that amusing.

Me:  “What’s so funny?”

Her:   *it takes at least 3 tries to be able to speak she is laughing so hard*  “Oh…it’s cuz Tommy said….”  and she bursts out laughing again.

I wait a bit for her to get herself together and against my better judgement:  “Ok? Tommy said……what?”

Evidently Tommy and she had been out a few evenings before for dinner and a similarly dressed female and crossed their path and Tommy had evidently made a similarly bitchy comment (yeah see? it runs in the family) to the tune of “Whoa! Look at THAT muffin top”

I actually had no clue what that was before this moment.  So mom schooled me on that one.  I swear that was her best day in years.   So now I know.  I also immediately came home and shared it with “The Internet.”

However, most times the exchanges are a little bit different.   A while ago, mom and I are going somewhere, I’m driving along and she’s chattering away about I don’t even know what.  And then she immediately took a conversational turn and was all “OH! I  almost forgot.  So Tommy and I were talking the other day about International Politics (They weren’t. I just don’t remember what it was, except it had NOTHING to do with what came next)  and he said something to me….”  (DRAMATIC PAUSE)

“What did he say?”

“He was talking about a mouth hug”

I blink and  just keep driving.


Me:   “yes.”

Mom:  “So you …you KNOW what it means?”

Me:  “yes.”

Mom:  “WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME BEFORE?”  (I really think she was a little offended)

Me: “Because when we are talking, there just isn’t usually a place to work “MOUTH HUG” into the conversation.”


I swear it’s been years since I have seen her that proud of herself.

Me:  “Yeah. No, we can’t.”

Based on these moments my mother and I have shared over the years, I have told Mr. L way more than once: “if conversation ever gets awkward with you and my mom?  Just whip out an Australian swear word or icky phrase to teach her.  She will *love* it. ”

I think he thinks I’m setting him up.  I wish I were.



~ by Layla on May 10, 2014.

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